Jokes, tons of misc jokes (Warning, may be offensive)
Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2004 12:22 pm
To Whom It May Concern:
I am Hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided, I would like to accept the responsibilities of a six year old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&M's are better than money, because you can eat them.
I want to play kickball during recess and paint with watercolors in art.
I want to lie under a big oak and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summers day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple.
When all you knew were colors, addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
When all you knew was to be happy because you didn't know all the things that should make you worried and upset.
I want to think that the world is fair.
That everyone in it is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
Somewhere in my youth...I matured and I learned too much.
I learned of nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, starvation and abused children.
I learned of lies, unhappy marriages, suffering, illness, pain and death.
I learned of a world where men left their families to go and fight for our country, and returned only to end up living on the streets...begging for their next meal.
I learned of a world where children knew how to kill...and did!
What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we didn't grasp the concept of death?
When we thought the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball?
I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by little things once again.
I want to return to the days when reading was fun and music clean.
When television was used to report the news or for family entertainment and not to promote sex, violence and deceit.
I remember being naive and think that everyone was happy because I was.
I would walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes and the prettiest seashell I could find.
I would spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike.
I didn't worry about time, bills or where I was going to find the money to fix my car.
I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up, Not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power on smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind and making angels in the snow.
I want to be six again.
_______________________________________________________
For all you Computer/Auto Buffs out there you'll appreciate this one hehe
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept
up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving twenty-five-dollar cars that get 1000 miles to the gallon."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by responding, "Yes,
but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
And . . .
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy a new car.
2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to fail,
and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason,
you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only
run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to
their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a
single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
_______________________________________________________
Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage revealed.
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt." Now, you can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high schooldropout.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
________________________________________________________
IT'S NOT NICE TO FOOL MOTHER NATURE!!
Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one
hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls.
The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can't
lift it out of the buttercups it has become lodged in. All of a
sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she pissed!
"What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks.
"I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies the
golfer.
"Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to my
buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an
entire year without butter!!"
The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just about
worn out Mother Nature's patience.
"What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a
year?" she screams at him.
"I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about my friend over there
whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!"
____________________________________________________
I remember the things i do not wish to remember;
I cannot forget the things i want to forget...
In the darkness we are all the same,
it is only our knowledge & wisdom that separates us,
Dont let your eyes deceive you.
He who makes no mistakes makes nothing.
It is vain to do with more, that which can be done with less.
As much use as a handbrake on a canoe.
About as useful as a chocolate frying pan.
As useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.
As welcome as a fart in a space suit.
As welcome as a pork chop at a jewish wedding.
______________________________________________________
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
_____________________________________________________
I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her 'round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't, even with my wife
And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy
I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have-once-with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale
_____________________________________________________
Are you really a child of the eighties?
You are a product of the 80's if....
**You know what "Sike" means.
**You know the profound meaning of "Wax On Wax Off".
**You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".
**You can name at least half of the members of the BRAT Pack.
**You know who Tina Yothers is.
**You wanted to be a Goonie.
**You know who Max Headroom is.
**You ever wore Flourescent, neon clothing.
**You could breakdance, wished you could.
**You wanted to dress like the Hulk at Halloween.
**You believed that "By the Power of Greyskull," you HAD the POWER.
**Partying "like it's 1999" seemed sooo far away.
**You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
**You wanted to be on StarSearch.
**You remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
**You have worn a Banana Clip, or knew someone who did.
**You owned a doll with "Xavier Roberts" signed on its butt, or knew someone who did.
**You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout".
**You HAD to have your MTV.
**You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future"
**You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name."
**You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
**You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
**You have heard of "Garbage Pail Kids".
**Punks actually "shocked" people
**You knew "The Artist", when he was humbly called "Prince".
**You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to be.
**You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game.
**You own any cassettes.
**You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
**You remember and/or owned any of the CareBear glass collections from Pizza Hut, Or any other stupid collection of glass they came out with.
**Poltergeist freaked you out.
**You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
**You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
**You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or know someone who did.
**You ever had a Swatch Watch, or three.
**You had a crush on one of the Corey's (Haim or Feldman).
**You had a crush on Bo Derek or Heather Locklear.
**You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
**You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
**You know what a "Whammee" is.
**You had a crush on Jon BonJovi, or knew someone who did.
**You thought eating Reeses Peices would attract your own Alien.
**Your name is Jennifer or Jason.
**You have ever called 867-5309.
**You had a poster of Rob Lowe, Kirk Camron, or Michael J. Fox on your wall.
**You held the top score on PacMan.
**You had MALL Hair.
**You owned a T-Shirt that said, "I shot J.R." or know someone who did.
____________________________________________________
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom - Use them as Needed...
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow's not looking good either.
2. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
4. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
5. Accept that somedays you're the pigeon, and someday you're the statue.
6. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself - "Where the heck is the ceiling???"
8. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9. I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...
10. Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like, you're crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
11. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...
12. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
______________________________________________________
I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece.
I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece.
I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them.
I like monkeys.I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car.
I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded.
In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in
the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
When I got home, I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room;
on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase.
It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet.
It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is, until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, andThe odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom.
So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away,but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one.
He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution: I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
My friends didn't quite know what to say.They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates.
So I punched them in the genitals. God, I like monkeys.
________________________________________________
Ways to Annoy people at the office
1. Page yourself over the intercom (Don't disguise your voice).
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
3. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
4. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
5. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
6. Insist that your e-mail address be zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com
7. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
8. Suggest that the Coke machine be filled with beer.
9. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
10. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
11. Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'.
12. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
13. For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with a mask and snorkel. If no one notices, ditch the snorkel and see
14. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."
15. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
16. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
17. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
18. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
19. Practice making fax and modem noises.
20. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
21. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
22. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
23. Dont use any punctuation
24. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
25. Ask people what sex they are.
26. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
27. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
28. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
29. Stomp on plastic ketchup packets.
30. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
31. Honk and wave at strangers.
32. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, then eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.
33. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
34. type only in lowercase.
35. What?" "Never mind. It's gone now."
36. Sing along at the opera.
37. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
38. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
39. And the final way to annoy people: Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
_______________________________________________________
I am Hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided, I would like to accept the responsibilities of a six year old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&M's are better than money, because you can eat them.
I want to play kickball during recess and paint with watercolors in art.
I want to lie under a big oak and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summers day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple.
When all you knew were colors, addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
When all you knew was to be happy because you didn't know all the things that should make you worried and upset.
I want to think that the world is fair.
That everyone in it is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
Somewhere in my youth...I matured and I learned too much.
I learned of nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, starvation and abused children.
I learned of lies, unhappy marriages, suffering, illness, pain and death.
I learned of a world where men left their families to go and fight for our country, and returned only to end up living on the streets...begging for their next meal.
I learned of a world where children knew how to kill...and did!
What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we didn't grasp the concept of death?
When we thought the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball?
I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by little things once again.
I want to return to the days when reading was fun and music clean.
When television was used to report the news or for family entertainment and not to promote sex, violence and deceit.
I remember being naive and think that everyone was happy because I was.
I would walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes and the prettiest seashell I could find.
I would spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike.
I didn't worry about time, bills or where I was going to find the money to fix my car.
I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up, Not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power on smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind and making angels in the snow.
I want to be six again.
_______________________________________________________
For all you Computer/Auto Buffs out there you'll appreciate this one hehe
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept
up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving twenty-five-dollar cars that get 1000 miles to the gallon."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by responding, "Yes,
but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
And . . .
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy a new car.
2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to fail,
and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason,
you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only
run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to
their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a
single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
_______________________________________________________
Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage revealed.
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt." Now, you can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high schooldropout.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
________________________________________________________
IT'S NOT NICE TO FOOL MOTHER NATURE!!
Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one
hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls.
The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can't
lift it out of the buttercups it has become lodged in. All of a
sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she pissed!
"What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks.
"I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies the
golfer.
"Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to my
buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an
entire year without butter!!"
The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just about
worn out Mother Nature's patience.
"What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a
year?" she screams at him.
"I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about my friend over there
whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!"
____________________________________________________
I remember the things i do not wish to remember;
I cannot forget the things i want to forget...
In the darkness we are all the same,
it is only our knowledge & wisdom that separates us,
Dont let your eyes deceive you.
He who makes no mistakes makes nothing.
It is vain to do with more, that which can be done with less.
As much use as a handbrake on a canoe.
About as useful as a chocolate frying pan.
As useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.
As welcome as a fart in a space suit.
As welcome as a pork chop at a jewish wedding.
______________________________________________________
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
_____________________________________________________
I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her 'round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't, even with my wife
And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy
I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have-once-with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale
_____________________________________________________
Are you really a child of the eighties?
You are a product of the 80's if....
**You know what "Sike" means.
**You know the profound meaning of "Wax On Wax Off".
**You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".
**You can name at least half of the members of the BRAT Pack.
**You know who Tina Yothers is.
**You wanted to be a Goonie.
**You know who Max Headroom is.
**You ever wore Flourescent, neon clothing.
**You could breakdance, wished you could.
**You wanted to dress like the Hulk at Halloween.
**You believed that "By the Power of Greyskull," you HAD the POWER.
**Partying "like it's 1999" seemed sooo far away.
**You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
**You wanted to be on StarSearch.
**You remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
**You have worn a Banana Clip, or knew someone who did.
**You owned a doll with "Xavier Roberts" signed on its butt, or knew someone who did.
**You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout".
**You HAD to have your MTV.
**You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future"
**You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name."
**You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
**You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
**You have heard of "Garbage Pail Kids".
**Punks actually "shocked" people
**You knew "The Artist", when he was humbly called "Prince".
**You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to be.
**You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game.
**You own any cassettes.
**You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
**You remember and/or owned any of the CareBear glass collections from Pizza Hut, Or any other stupid collection of glass they came out with.
**Poltergeist freaked you out.
**You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
**You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
**You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or know someone who did.
**You ever had a Swatch Watch, or three.
**You had a crush on one of the Corey's (Haim or Feldman).
**You had a crush on Bo Derek or Heather Locklear.
**You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
**You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
**You know what a "Whammee" is.
**You had a crush on Jon BonJovi, or knew someone who did.
**You thought eating Reeses Peices would attract your own Alien.
**Your name is Jennifer or Jason.
**You have ever called 867-5309.
**You had a poster of Rob Lowe, Kirk Camron, or Michael J. Fox on your wall.
**You held the top score on PacMan.
**You had MALL Hair.
**You owned a T-Shirt that said, "I shot J.R." or know someone who did.
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Dilbert's Words of Wisdom - Use them as Needed...
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow's not looking good either.
2. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
4. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
5. Accept that somedays you're the pigeon, and someday you're the statue.
6. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself - "Where the heck is the ceiling???"
8. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9. I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...
10. Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like, you're crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
11. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...
12. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
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I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece.
I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece.
I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them.
I like monkeys.I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car.
I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded.
In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in
the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
When I got home, I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room;
on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase.
It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet.
It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is, until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, andThe odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom.
So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away,but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one.
He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution: I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
My friends didn't quite know what to say.They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates.
So I punched them in the genitals. God, I like monkeys.
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Ways to Annoy people at the office
1. Page yourself over the intercom (Don't disguise your voice).
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
3. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
4. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
5. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
6. Insist that your e-mail address be zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com
7. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
8. Suggest that the Coke machine be filled with beer.
9. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
10. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
11. Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'.
12. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
13. For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with a mask and snorkel. If no one notices, ditch the snorkel and see
14. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."
15. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
16. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
17. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
18. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
19. Practice making fax and modem noises.
20. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
21. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
22. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
23. Dont use any punctuation
24. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
25. Ask people what sex they are.
26. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
27. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
28. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
29. Stomp on plastic ketchup packets.
30. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
31. Honk and wave at strangers.
32. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, then eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.
33. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
34. type only in lowercase.
35. What?" "Never mind. It's gone now."
36. Sing along at the opera.
37. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
38. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
39. And the final way to annoy people: Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
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