Joke Post 2 (Warning, may be offensive)

[MikaMeow]

Hehe, other one I made long enough that it might scare away some people.. so heres a new post to shorten it a bit.

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In the beginning was The Plan.

And then came the Beta Test.

After some experimentation many of the Beta Testers spoke among themselves, saying, "Much of what is being added would be marvelous with a few changes. But without these changes this update is a crock of sh*t, and it stinks!"

And the Beta Testers started posting their thoughts in a more diplomatic fashion: "It is a pile of dung, and none may abide the odor thereof!"

A Guardian reads the posts with interest and immediately informs his peers that The Plan "is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide it."

And the Guardians went unto the Development Team, saying, "It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength."

And the Development Team spoke amongst themselves, saying to one another, "It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong."

And the Development Team went unto the 3DO Big Wigs, saying unto them, "It promotes growth, and it is very powerful."

And the Big Wigs went unto Grand Poobah Hawkins, saying unto him, "This new Plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the game, with powerful effects."

And the Poobah looked upon The Plan, and saw that it was good.

And The Plan became an Update.

And darkness fell upon the faces of the Players...



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THE WINDOW

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room's only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.
The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window. The man in the other bed began to live, for those one-hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside. The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color of the rainbow.

Grand old trees graced the landscape, and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance. As the man by the window described all this in exquisite detail, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine the picturesque scene.
One warm afternoon the man by the window described a parade passing by.
Although the other man couldn't hear the band - he could see it. In his mind's eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words.
Days and weeks passed. One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.
As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.
Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the world outside. Finally, he would have the joy of seeing it for himself. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed. It faced a blank wall.
The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, "Perhaps he just wanted to encourage you."

Epilogue: There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled. If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can't buy. "Today is a gift, and maybe that's why it is called the present."

The origin of this letter is unknown, but it brings good luck to everyone who passes it on. Do not keep this letter. Do not send money. Just forward it to your friends to whom you wish good luck. You will see that something good happens to you four days from today.


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From the Guy's Perspective:

The accuracy on these is uncanny... We always hear "the rules" from the feminine side.
Ok - we now hear the guys' side. These are our rules!
Please note ... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down

1. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!

1. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.

1. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, and NASCAR.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!

1. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.

1. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done-not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.

1. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. I am in shape. - ROUND is a shape.


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And God populated the Earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman would live long and healthy lives.

And Satan created McDonalds. And McDonalds brought forth the 99-cent double-cheeseburger. And Satan said to Man, "You want fries with that?" And man said, "Super size them." And man gained pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And Satan froze the yogurt, and he brought forth chocolate, nuts and brightly colored sprinkle candy to put on the yogurt. And woman gained pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad." And Satan brought forth creamy dressings, bacon bits, and shredded cheese. And there was ice cream for dessert. And woman gained poinds.

And God said, "I have sent your heart healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them." And Satan brought forth chicken-fried steak from Cracker Barrel so big it needed its own platter. And man gained pounds and his bad cholosterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes, and man resolved to lose those extra pounds. And Satan brought forth cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And man gained pounds

And God said, "Your running up the score, Devil." And god brough forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fat fried them. And he created sour cream dip also.

And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholosterol. And Satan saw and said, "It is good." And man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery....

And Satan created HMOs....



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The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you start getting clothes for Christmas!

"I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner."

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $1.65 at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted.

"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 19."

"How come we choose from just two or three people for president but 50 for Miss America?"

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I earn a seven-figure salary....if you include the decimal point.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.




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A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students so she asked, "Harry what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Harry: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Harry: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know. He looks at the teacher and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Harry both agree. The teacher asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Harry, after a moment, "Legs."

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!
Harry replied, "Pockets."

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains a thin whitish liquid?"
Harry: "Coconut"
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry was taking charge.

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer......
Harry: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Harry: "Yep."

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do."
Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first."
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense......
Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good."
Harry: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Harry: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
Harry: "Firetruck"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I missed the last ten questions myself."



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A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:
"Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep wittle wabbits?"

The shopkeeper gets down on his knees (so that he's on her level), and asks: "Do you want a wittle white wabby or a soft and fuwwy black wabby or maybe one like that cute wittle brown wabby over there?"

The little girl puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice: "I don't fink my pyfon weally gives a thit."



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Pfizer and the Pepsi Cola company will be teaming up to develop a Viagra based drink. The name of the drink will be Mount & Do. The slogan for the ad campaign will be "Pour yourself a stiff one."



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Kentucky hillbilly, Herman James, was drafted by the Marine Corps and
on the first day as an enlisted man he was given a comb.
The following day the Marine barber sheared all of his hair off.
On the third day the Marine Corps gave him a tooth brush.
On the next day the Navy dentist yanked several of his teeth out.
On the fifth day he was given a jock strap...that afternoon Herman
went AWOL.



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Procrastinist to do list:
(1) Aw f*** it!




A man goes to the doctor and his doctor tells him " I have good news and bad news."
The man asks "What's the good news?"
Doctor replies "Well, we're going to name a disease after you."



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A man and a woman walk into a bar. The woman says "that's where I left my husband two years ago and he hasn't moved since."
The guy replies "Nonsense, no one celebrates that long."



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I left Montreal on route 20 heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first toilet stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner eated than I heard a voice From the next stall: "Hi, how are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed: "Not bad."
And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"
Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said:
"Well, just like you I am driving east?"
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say: "Look, I'll call you right back, there is some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you. Bye!"



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Two men were standing in line to get tickets to go to Pittsbutgh. One turns to the other and says "Man, she is so hot and has really big tits. I hope I don't screw this up." The other says "Don't worry you'll be fine." After a little bit it is their turn. "I'll take two pickets to Tittsburgh." She blushed and gave him their tickets. Flustered he turns to his friend, "I can't believe I did that. I feel like such an idiot." "Don't worry," his friend says. "The older you get the more you say what's on your mind. For instance the other night I was having dinner with my wife. I went to ask her to pass the pepper and it came out, 'You stupid bitch, you ruined my life!'"



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A man goes into the house and tells his new bride that his hands are cold.
"Here," she says "place them between my legs to warm them up"
He does and when they are all warm again he goes back outside.
Just before dinner he comes back in and tells his wife that his hands are freezing
"Just put them between my legs to warm them up." She says.
He does and then has dinner with her. After dinner he goes outside to cut some firewood.
A little while later he comes back in and tells her that his hands are numb.
"Don't your ears ever get cold?" She asks



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*LAWS WOMEN LIVE BY*

* Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

* What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

* If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

* Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

* Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

* Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

* Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

* Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.

* Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes; it means that you laugh at his.

* Sadly, all men are created equal.



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>>> Do you believe in fate? I do.
>>> Learn from the past, live for the present,
>>> and work toward the future.
>>> Don't let the scars of the past hold you back
>>> from loving those who are in your present and future.
>>> There is no room in love for bitterness!!!!
>>> Many people will walk in and out of your life,
>>> But only true friends will leave
>>> footprints in your heart.
>>> To handle yourself, use your head;
>>> To handle others, use your heart.
>>> Anger is only one letter short of danger.
>>> If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;
>>> If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.
>>> Great minds discuss ideas;
>>> Average minds discuss events;
>>> Small minds discuss people.
>>> He who loses money, loses much;
>>> He, who loses a friend, loses much more;
>>> He, who loses faith, loses all.
>>> Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
>>> But beautiful old people are works of art.
>>> Learn from the mistakes of others.
>>> You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.
>>> Friends, you and me....
>>> You brought another friend....
>>> And then there were 3....
>>> We started our group...
>>> Our circle of friends....
>>> And like that circle....
>>> There is no beginning or end....
>>> Yesterday is history.
>>> Tomorrow is mystery.
>>> Today is a gift.




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A psychiatrist was administering a Rorschach inkblot test to his patient. The doctor showed the first blot and asked what it resembled.

"That's two poodles having sex," replied the patient.

To the second inkblot, the patient said, "That's a naked gal leaning out a window, telling all the men who go by to come in and have sex with her."

The doctor showed him the third inkblot. "That's a pair of crotchless underpants," the patient said.

Unable to withstand this any longer, the doctor blurted out, "You have a filthy, disgusting mind!"

"Look who's talking!" the patient cried. "You're the one with all the dirty pictures."




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EverQuest (EQ) & Denny's

LOADING, PLEASE WAIT...
You have entered Denny's.
You say, 'Hail Denny's hostess'
Denny's hostess says 'Hello, Tom. Welcome to Denny's. [Smoking] or [non-smoking]?'
You say, 'non-smoking'
You say, 'I would like non-smoking please'
You say, 'what about non-smoking'
Denny's hostess says 'Right this way, please.'
You are out of food and drink.
Corey shouts, 'has anyone seen the waiter?'
Gary shouts, 'no and ive been camping him for a half hour'
You are out of food and drink.
Ester shouts, 'I see him'
Corey shouts, 'dont kill him, i still have to do the order quest'
You are hungry.
You are thirsty.
You are out of food and drink.
You say, 'Hail Denny's waiter'
Denny's waiter says 'Hello, Tom. You look like you could use some [coffee]'
You say, 'Yes I'll have some coffee'
You say, 'what about coffee'
Denny's waiter says 'Ah, excellent! We have [regular] and [decaf].'
You say, 'I will have some decaf'
You say, 'what about decaf'
You say, 'what about decaffeinated coffee'
Denny's waiter says 'I expected nothing less of you. Here, take this.'
You gain experience!
Your faction standing with Juan Valdez got better
You drink your coffee.
You were hit by non-melee for 39 dmg
YOU are burning!
You shout, 'Ow hehe this coffee's hot'
Karen shouts, 'Haha u sux0r'
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
Annoying kid says 'Pikachuuuuuu'
Annoying kid tries to hit YOU, but misses!
Annoying kid tries to hit YOU, but misses!
Annoying kid hits YOU for 3 points of damage.
Auto-attack on.
You hit Annoying kid for 17 points of damage.
You hit Annoying kid for 22 points of damage.
You have slain Annoying kid!
Your faction standing with Disciplineless Mothers got worse
Your faction standing with Denny's Customers got better
Your faction standing with The World at Large got better
Annoying kid's corpse0 says 'My mother will avenge my death!'
You receive 3 copper as your split.
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
Disciplineless mother says 'Your actions and history are a personal affront to all I stand for.'
Disciplineless mother begins casting a spell.
Disciplineless mother pet is enveloped in flames.
Off-duty police officer says 'Hey! No pets in the building!'
Disciplineless mother pet hits YOU for 18 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer hits Disciplineless mother for 287 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer hits Disciplineless mother for 234 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer kicks Disciplineless mother for 27 points of damage.
Disciplineless mother is slain by Off-duty police officer!
Disciplineless mother pet hits YOU for 12 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer hits Disciplineless mother pet for 262 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer was burned.
Disciplineless mother pet is slain by Off-duty police officer!
Off-duty police officer says 'Let this be a lesson, that none can withstand the wrath of the San Diego Department of Public Safety.'
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
You say, 'Hail Denny's waiter'
Denny's waiter says 'Can I get you some more [coffee]?'
You say, 'No, I want to place my order'
You say, 'Can I place my order?'
You say, 'Let me place my order ******!'
Denny's waiter says 'Ah, would you like to try our [Grand Slam
Breakfast]?'
You say, 'I will have the grand slam breakfast'
Denny's waiter says 'How would you like your [eggs]?'
You say, 'scrambled'
You say, 'I would like them scrambled'
You say, 'what about eggs'
Denny's waiter says 'You can have [scrambled eggs] or [fried eggs].'
You say, 'I will have scrambled eggs'
Denny's waiter says 'Excellent, would you like anything to drink? Some [orange juice], perhaps?'
You say, 'I will have orange juice'
You say, 'what about orange juice'
Denny's waiter says 'Our orange juice is fresh squeezed from concentrate.'
You say, 'give me orange juice'
Denny's waiter says 'Okay, I'll be right back with your orange juice.'
You gain experience!
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
Gordon shouts, 'Attention, your bacon is now raw, because fully-cooked bacon lacks the inherent risks associated with our Vision of Bacon.'
Lawrence shouts, 'Wait a minute, this bacon hasn't been cooked for months'
Gordon shouts, 'Uhh... yes it has.'
Robert shouts, 'You kidding? We've been complaining about this stuff being raw for ages'
Gordon shouts, 'Uh, whatever.'
Gordon shouts, 'Oh.'
Gordon shouts, 'uh.... I've just been informed that the bacon has been raw for several months now, but we were unable to determine this until we fixed a bug with the pancakes, which were previously large enough to obscure the bacon.'
Gordon shouts, '... Oh, yeah, we nerfed your pancakes too.'
Denny's waiter says 'Here is your breakfast, Tom.'
You gain experience!
Your faction standing with Denny's Customers got worse
Scrambled eggs looks at you threateningly - what would you like your tombstone to say?
You taste your eggs.
You are chilled to the bone.
You shout, 'oh man my eggs are cold'
Robert shouts, 'petition a manager then'
You petition, 'my scrambled eggs are cold'
Kevin shouts, 'Ack train to restroom!!!'
Thom says, 'Lynn, I still can't believe you can eat this stuff'
Denny's waiter says 'Here is your breakfast, Lynn.'
Lynn begins to cast a spell.
Lynn is protected from poison.
Lynn says, 'I always come prepared'
You shout, 'Man, where's the manager'
Karen shouts, 'Haha u pteitond a managr u sux0r'
George tells you, 'Greetings, Tom, I am George, the Denny's manager. How can I assist you?'
You tell George, 'my scrambled eggs are cold'
George tells you, 'I will be with you as soon as possible, please stay patient'
You sip your coffee.
A cool breeze slips through your mind.
George says, 'Greetings, Tom. Are your eggs still cold?'
You say, 'yes'
George begins to cast a spell.
Scrambled eggs burst into flame.
George says, 'Take care'
Michelle says, 'Ack, I don't feel so well'
Michelle begins to cast a spell.
Alka-Seltzer staggers.
Michelle staggers.
Michelle beams a smile at Alka-Seltzer.
Michelle says, 'Ahhh, I feel much better now...'
Denny's waiter says 'Here, let me clear that away for you.'
You say, 'Hey, wait, that's my food, I'm not done yet....'
You shout, 'Hey, this waiter took my food'
Corey shouts, 'Yep, they do that sometimes if you let your food sit there'
You say, 'Hail Denny's waiter'
Denny's waiter says 'Hello there, Tom, how can I help you?'
You say, 'Check please'
Denny's waiter says 'Okay, here you go.'
You gain experience!
You say, 'Hail Denny's cashier'
Denny's cashier says 'Hello there, would you like to pay your [check]?'
You say, 'Yes I want to pay my check'
You say, 'what about my check'
Denny's cashier says 'You must give me the check before I can reveal more to you.'
Denny's cashier says 'Ah, excellent! Would you like to know your [total]?'
You gain experience!
Your faction standing with Denny's Cashiers got better
You say, 'what is my total'
Denny's cashier says 'Your total is 6 gold, 7 silver, 9 copper. Will you be paying with a [MasterCard]?'
You say, 'yes I will use a mastercard'
Denny's cashier says 'Unfortunately your MasterCard is over-limit. Would you prefer to pay with [cash]?'
Your faction standing with MasterCard got worse
Your faction standing with Cheesy-*** High-Interest-Rate Credit Card Companies got better
You say, 'yes I will pay with cash'
Denny's cashier says 'Your total is 6 gold, 7 silver, 9 copper then.'
You gain experience!
You receive 2 silver.
You receive 1 copper.
Denny's waiter says 'You have stiffed me on my tip for the last time!'
Denny's waiter crushes YOU for 217 points of damage!
Denny's waiter crushes YOU for 204 points of damage!
Denny's waiter hits YOU for 226 points of damage!
Denny's waiter tries to hit YOU, but misses!
Denny's waiter bashes YOU for 74 points of damage!
You are stunned.
Denny's waiter crushes YOU for 189 points of damage!
You are bleeding to death!
Denny's waiter crushes YOU for 221 points of damage!
You have been slain by Denny's waiter!
You are no longer stunned.
LOADING, PLEASE WAIT...
You have entered Verant.
You shout, 'Can I get a SOW? My corpse is all the way over in Denny's'
Karen shouts, 'Haha u sux0r'




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"THE MAN CODE"

1. Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat"

2. Under no circumstances may 2 men share an umbrella.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

4. When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.

5. Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

6. You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT . (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent)

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off-limits forever.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a girl, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 babe scale.

9. Complaining about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.

11. Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe that your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party.

12. Before dating a buddy's "ex", you are required to ask his permission and he in return is required to grant it.

13. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

14. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem, you didn't see nothin'.

15. The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.

16. A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.

17. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

18. When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.

19 . It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.

20. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

21. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.

22. If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whoopin", then you may sit back and enjoy.

23. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting:
"Yeah, baby, push it!"
"C'mon, give me one more! Harder!"
"Another set and we can hit the showers."
"Nice ass, are you a Sagittarius?"

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you better be referring to his beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.

28. If a buddy is already singing along to a song in the car, you may not, unless you are gay.



_____________________________________________________




My wife and I have the secret to makeing a marriage last. Two times a week we go to a nice resteraunt have a little wine, some good food and companionship, she goes Tuesdays I go Friday. We also sleep in different beds, hers is in Florida mine is in Cincinati. I take my wife every where but she keeps finding her way back. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our annaversity, she said somewhere I haven't been in a long time, I suggested the kitchen. We always hold hands, If I let go she shops. She has an electric blender, toaster, breadmaker and always complains no place to sit down so I bought her an electric chair. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburater, I asked her where the car was, she said the lake. My wifes on a new diet now, bananas and coconuts, hasn't lost any wieght but boy can she climb a tree. She got a mud pack, looked great for 2 days, then mud fell off. She ran after garbage truck yelling am I to late for garbage, driver said no jump in. Remember marriage is #1 cause of divorce, statistticly 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married miss right, I just didn't know her first name was always. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her. The last fight was my fault, she asked whats on TV, I said dust. In the beginning God created earth and rested. Then created man and rested, Then god created woman, since then neither god nor man has rested. Why do men die before there wives, Because they want to.



_________________________________________________




100 reasons it's great to be a guy :
> 1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
> 2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
> 3. You know stuff about tanks.
> 4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
> 5. Monday Nite Football.
> 6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
> 7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
> 8. You can open all your own jars.
> 9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained
> weight.
> 10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
> 11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to
> stall on every shot of someone crying.
> 12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
> 13. All your orgasms are real.
> 14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite
> sex.
> 15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
> 16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around
> everywhere you go.
> 17. You understand why stripes is funny.
> 18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
> 19. Your last name stays put.
> 20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
> 21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic
> that everyone secretly hates you.
> 22. You can kill your own food.
> 23. The garage is all yours.
> 24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
> thoughtfulness.
> 25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
> 26. Nobody secretly wonders if you swallow.
> 27. You never have to clean the toilet.
> 28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
> 29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
> 30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
> 31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she
> can still be you friend.
> 32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
> 33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
> 34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
> 35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
> 36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every
> nite.
> 37. If your 34 and single nobody notices.
> 38. You can write your name in the snow.
> 39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
> 40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
> 41. Chocolate is just another snack.
> 42. You can be president.
> 43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger
> seat.
> 44. Flowers fix everything.
> 45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
> 46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
> 47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
> 48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
> 49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
> 50. You can say anything and not worry about what people
> think.
> 51. Foreplay is optional.
> 52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
> 53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk
> into the room.
> 54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
> 55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter
> reader is coming by.
> 56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting
> laid.
> 57. Car mechanic tell you the truth.
> 58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new
> haircut.
> 59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours
> without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
> 60. The world is your urinal.
> 61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your
> lover is about to leave you.
> 62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
> 63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
> 64. One mood, all the time.
> 65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself
> to look like him.
> 66. You never have to drive to another gas station because
> this one's just to skeevy.
> 67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
> 68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are
> wearing.
> 69. Same work....more pay.
> 70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
> 71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency
> crotch adjustment.
> 72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
> 73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind
> your back.
> 74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the
> earth's population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
> 75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
> 76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
> 77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
> 78. People never glance at your chest when your talking to
> them.
> 79. ESPN's sports center.
> 80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a
> little gift.
> 81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
> 82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your
> mother.
> 83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you
> naked.
> 84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the
> bathroom.
> 85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he
> won't tell you friends you've changed.
> 86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
> 87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase
> "F*#k it!"
> 88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same
> outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
> 89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
> 90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically
> expected.
> 91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because your
> not in the mood.
> 92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
> 93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it
> with a hammer and throw it across the room.
> 94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
> 95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
> 96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and
> anniversaries.
> 97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex
> with them.
> 98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...
> notice anything different?"
> 99. Baywatch
> 100. There is always a game on somewhere.





StoP tHE LogGINg oR wE WiLl
coNtinUE To KiLl oNe CeleBrITY
EacH WeEK. TheRe ARe nO SkIinG
'aCciDenTS'. gOt iT?
tHE tReeS

[Fayin]

Hilarious.

My favorite was EQ Denny's. lol

[MikaMeow]

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
--Tom Clancy

"You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither."
--Steve Martin

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
--Woody Allen

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night."
--Rodney Dangerfield

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is a BMW."
--Lynn Lavner (this one I think is great)

"Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist."
--Matt Barry

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
--Camille Paglia

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
--George Burns

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships."
--Sharon Stone

"My girlfriend always laughs during sex---no matter what she's reading."
--Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
--Jack Nicholson

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
--Barbara Bush
(Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humor)

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."
--Robin Williams

"Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself."
--Roseanne

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."
--Billy Crystal

"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
--Robert De Niro

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
--Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked."
--Jerry Seinfeld

"Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house."
--Rod Stewart

"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
--Robin Williams