To Whom It May Concern:
I am Hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided, I would like to accept the responsibilities of a six year old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&M's are better than money, because you can eat them.
I want to play kickball during recess and paint with watercolors in art.
I want to lie under a big oak and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summers day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple.
When all you knew were colors, addition tables and simple nursery rhymes, but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
When all you knew was to be happy because you didn't know all the things that should make you worried and upset.
I want to think that the world is fair.
That everyone in it is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
Somewhere in my youth...I matured and I learned too much.
I learned of nuclear weapons, war, prejudice, starvation and abused children.
I learned of lies, unhappy marriages, suffering, illness, pain and death.
I learned of a world where men left their families to go and fight for our country, and returned only to end up living on the streets...begging for their next meal.
I learned of a world where children knew how to kill...and did!
What happened to the time when we thought that everyone would live forever, because we didn't grasp the concept of death?
When we thought the worst thing in the world was if someone took the jump rope from you or picked you last for kickball?
I want to be oblivious to the complexity of life and be overly excited by little things once again.
I want to return to the days when reading was fun and music clean.
When television was used to report the news or for family entertainment and not to promote sex, violence and deceit.
I remember being naive and think that everyone was happy because I was.
I would walk on the beach and only think of the sand between my toes and the prettiest seashell I could find.
I would spend my afternoons climbing trees and riding my bike.
I didn't worry about time, bills or where I was going to find the money to fix my car.
I used to wonder what I was going to do or be when I grew up, Not worry about what I'll do if this doesn't work out. I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news, how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip, illness and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power on smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams, the imagination, mankind and making angels in the snow.
I want to be six again.
_______________________________________________________
For all you Computer/Auto Buffs out there you'll appreciate this one hehe
At a recent computer expo, Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept
up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be
driving twenty-five-dollar cars that get 1000 miles to the gallon."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by responding, "Yes,
but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
And . . .
1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to
buy a new car.
2. Occasionally, your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and
you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to fail,
and you would have to re-install the engine. For some strange reason,
you would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you
bought "Car95" or "CarNT." But then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was
reliable, five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only
run on five percent of the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to
their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a
single "general car default" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
_______________________________________________________
Who is Jack Schitt? The lineage revealed.
Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "you don't know Jack Schitt." Now, you can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-Deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie Schitt, the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high schooldropout.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and consequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse.
Bull Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt. Now, when someone says you don't know Jack Schitt, you can correct them.
________________________________________________________
IT'S NOT NICE TO FOOL MOTHER NATURE!!
Two guys are out one day golfing. One slices off to the right, one
hooks off to the left and they both go to retrieve their balls.
The guy on the right is hacking and hacking at the ball but just can't
lift it out of the buttercups it has become lodged in. All of a
sudden, up from the ground comes Mother Nature and is she pissed!
"What the hell are you doing to my beautiful buttercups?" she asks.
"I'm just trying to get my golf ball out of them, lady", replies the
golfer.
"Well, you are really making me mad. Just look what you've done to my
buttercups. For this I must punish you. Your punishment will be an
entire year without butter!!"
The golfer starts laughing hysterically which by now has just about
worn out Mother Nature's patience.
"What in the hell do you think is so funny about no butter for a
year?" she screams at him.
"I'm not laughing about that - I'm laughing about my friend over there
whacking the hell out of your pussy willows!"
____________________________________________________
I remember the things i do not wish to remember;
I cannot forget the things i want to forget...
In the darkness we are all the same,
it is only our knowledge & wisdom that separates us,
Dont let your eyes deceive you.
He who makes no mistakes makes nothing.
It is vain to do with more, that which can be done with less.
As much use as a handbrake on a canoe.
About as useful as a chocolate frying pan.
As useful as an ashtray on a motorbike.
As welcome as a fart in a space suit.
As welcome as a pork chop at a jewish wedding.
______________________________________________________
1. Cats do what they want, when they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They're totally unpredictable.
4. They whine when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play they want to be left alone.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
8. They're moody.
9. They leave their hair everywhere.
10. They drive you nuts.
Conclusion: Cats are little, tiny women in cheap fur coats.
_____________________________________________________
I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park
I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants
I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face
I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone
I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp
I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time, with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her 'round, but could not catch her
No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't, even with my wife
And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes
And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers
I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember
I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy
I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have-once-with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie
There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal
But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed
It never happened with cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN
I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me
But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale
_____________________________________________________
Are you really a child of the eighties?
You are a product of the 80's if....
**You know what "Sike" means.
**You know the profound meaning of "Wax On Wax Off".
**You know that another name for a keyboard is a "Synthesizer".
**You can name at least half of the members of the BRAT Pack.
**You know who Tina Yothers is.
**You wanted to be a Goonie.
**You know who Max Headroom is.
**You ever wore Flourescent, neon clothing.
**You could breakdance, wished you could.
**You wanted to dress like the Hulk at Halloween.
**You believed that "By the Power of Greyskull," you HAD the POWER.
**Partying "like it's 1999" seemed sooo far away.
**You thought that Transformers were more than meets the eye.
**You wanted to be on StarSearch.
**You remember what Michael Jackson looked like before his nose fell off.
**You have worn a Banana Clip, or knew someone who did.
**You owned a doll with "Xavier Roberts" signed on its butt, or knew someone who did.
**You knew what Willis was "talkin' 'bout".
**You HAD to have your MTV.
**You hold a special place in your heart for "Back to the Future"
**You know where to go if you "wanna go where everybody knows your name."
**You thought Molly Ringwald was REALLY cool.
**You actually thought "Dirty Dancing" was a REALLY good movie.
**You have heard of "Garbage Pail Kids".
**Punks actually "shocked" people
**You knew "The Artist", when he was humbly called "Prince".
**You actually saw Ted Danson as the MacDaddy he played "Sam" to be.
**You remember when ATARI was a state of the art video game.
**You own any cassettes.
**You were led to believe that in the year 2000 we'd all be living on the moon.
**You remember and/or owned any of the CareBear glass collections from Pizza Hut, Or any other stupid collection of glass they came out with.
**Poltergeist freaked you out.
**You carried your lunch to school in a Gremlins or an ET lunchbox.
**You have ever pondered why Smurfette was the ONLY female smurf.
**You wore biker shorts underneath a short skirt and felt stylish, or know someone who did.
**You ever had a Swatch Watch, or three.
**You had a crush on one of the Corey's (Haim or Feldman).
**You had a crush on Bo Derek or Heather Locklear.
**You remember when Saturday Night Live was funny.
**You had WonderWoman or Superman underoos.
**You know what a "Whammee" is.
**You had a crush on Jon BonJovi, or knew someone who did.
**You thought eating Reeses Peices would attract your own Alien.
**Your name is Jennifer or Jason.
**You have ever called 867-5309.
**You had a poster of Rob Lowe, Kirk Camron, or Michael J. Fox on your wall.
**You held the top score on PacMan.
**You had MALL Hair.
**You owned a T-Shirt that said, "I shot J.R." or know someone who did.
____________________________________________________
Dilbert's Words of Wisdom - Use them as Needed...
1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow's not looking good either.
2. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
3. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
4. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
5. Accept that somedays you're the pigeon, and someday you're the statue.
6. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
7. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and thought to myself - "Where the heck is the ceiling???"
8. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
9. I don't suffer from stress - I'm a carrier...
10. Don't meddle in the affairs of dragons, cuz, like, you're crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
11. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo...
12. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
______________________________________________________
I like monkeys. The pet store was selling them for five cents apiece.
I thought this was odd since they are normally a couple thousand apiece.
I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I bought 200 of them.
I like monkeys.I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car.
I let one of them drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded.
In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in
the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
When I got home, I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it's third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. God damn cheap monkeys. I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room;
on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase.
It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet.
It didn't work. It got stuck.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is, until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn't want to call a plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them.
Unfortuantely there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't go bad. I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, andThe odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom.
So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them away,but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one.
He couldn't take it either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution: I gave them out as Christmas gifts.
My friends didn't quite know what to say.They pretended to like them, but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates.
So I punched them in the genitals. God, I like monkeys.
________________________________________________
Ways to Annoy people at the office
1. Page yourself over the intercom (Don't disguise your voice).
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)
3. Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
4. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.
5. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
6. Insist that your e-mail address be zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com
7. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
8. Suggest that the Coke machine be filled with beer.
9. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
10. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.
11. Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'.
12. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
13. For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with a mask and snorkel. If no one notices, ditch the snorkel and see
14. Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."
15. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
16. In the memo field of all your checks, write 'for sexual favors'.
17. When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.
18. Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
19. Practice making fax and modem noises.
20. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.
21. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."
22. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
23. Dont use any punctuation
24. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
25. Ask people what sex they are.
26. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
27. At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
28. Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.
29. Stomp on plastic ketchup packets.
30. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
31. Honk and wave at strangers.
32. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, then eat the complimentary mints by the cash register.
33. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
34. type only in lowercase.
35. What?" "Never mind. It's gone now."
36. Sing along at the opera.
37. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.
38. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.
39. And the final way to annoy people: Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.
_______________________________________________________
Jokes, tons of misc jokes (Warning, may be offensive)
-
MikaMeow
- <Insert Title here>
- Posts: 339
- Joined: Mon Nov 03, 2003 5:48 pm
- Location: BC, Canada eh!
- Contact:
Jokes, tons of misc jokes (Warning, may be offensive)
Last edited by MikaMeow on Sun Jan 18, 2004 12:47 pm, edited 1 time in total.
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
-
MikaMeow
- <Insert Title here>
- Posts: 339
- Joined: Mon Nov 03, 2003 5:48 pm
- Location: BC, Canada eh!
- Contact:
SUPERMAN
Superman wakes up one day and realizes that he has done everything he could done in metropolis and he was totally bored. He flies
away in search of something to do. Pretty soon he comes across Batman swinging across a few skyscrapers. Superman yells down, "Hey
Batman, got anything I can help you with?" Batman shouts back up, "No, Superman. I've got everything under control." Superman
continues onward. Eventually he flies over the ocean and looks down at Aquaman. Superman yells, "Hey Aquaman, gimme something to
do!" Aquaman looks up and yells back, "sorry Superman, there's nothing for you to do here."
Superman by this point is totally exasperated. He starts to fly back to Metropolis when he all of a sudden sees Wonder Woman lying
nude on the beach. "Yes!" thinks Superman. "If I zoom down and do her really quick like only I can do, she'll never know what hit her!"
Superman swoops out of the sky, does his thing in about 5 seconds flat, and flies away before he gets caught. Wonder Woman opens
her eyes with a shock and says in surprise, "what was that all about?" Then the Invisible Man rolls off of her and says, "I don't know,
but my arse is killing me."
Tasmanian Marriage
A Tasmanian man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The
wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says, "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin. "The man grabs his
clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house. When he gets there his father
says,"Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon." The son says,"Pa, my new wife told me a big secret of
hers. She's a virgin." "Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving.... If she wasn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell
aint good enough for ours."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Canadian Jokes (written by my friend who unfortunatly is american)
Just so you know I am not anti French in fact I am in the french immersion program!
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there
anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?". "Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon.
"All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and
immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of
the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and
waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient
was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of
cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous
avez dit, monsieur?"
----
6 years ago Prime minister Brian Mulroney called George Bush and he asked him: "Why the hell did you take
Dan Quayle as vice-president?" George says: "He passed the intelligence test" What was that test? "I asked
him: If your mother has a baby and it's not your brother and not your sister, who is it?"And Dan answered:"
It's me" So I hired him.
Good idea says Brian I'll try that on my finance minister: So he asks Joe Clark the same question. Joe says :
"well can I give you an anser in a day or two?" "No prob"
Joe is completely in the dark so he asks Jean Charest the same question. Jean aswers :"It'sd me of coure".
Happy Joe goes back to Brian and says: "I've got the answer to your question: if my mother has a baby who is
neither my brother or my sister, it's Jean Charest". Shaking his head Brian says: "Your such a dork; it's Dan
Quayle you idiot"
---
A family moved from Newfoundland to Alberta. Johnnie started school at the new location. Grade 3. One day
the teacher asked individual students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37.
But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he
had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son". Next day, in "language", the
teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie
outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m". That evening he once again
brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland". Next day,
after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his
grade, he seemed overly "well - endowed". This confused him. He told his Dad, that night, "Dad, they all have
little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?" "No, son,
"explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"
---
Pick-Up Lines
Excuse me is that a space suit you're wearing, because your ass is out of this world.
1. Do you believe in love at first sight?...Or do I have to walk by again
2. Do you sleep on your stomach?...no?....Can I ?
3. Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cuz I can easily see myself in your pants.
4. Tomorrow morning, do you want me to call you or nudge you?
5. Your parents must be baker's cuz they sure put out a great set of buns.
6. Your parents must be thieves' cuz someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
7. Do you have a quarter? Cuz I promised I would call my mother as soon as I fell in love.
8. Do you have some Australian in you? Would you like a little Italian in you?
9. Pardon me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?
10. Would you like to go home for a pizza and some sex?....*slap*...what? you don't like pizza?
11. Your legs must be tired cuz you've been running through my mind all night.
12. That shirt is very becoming on you, of course if I were that shirt I would be cumming on you too.
13. If I told you I liked your body would you hold it against me?
14. Pez?
15. I heard milk was good for your body, but damn-you must drink gallons at a time.
16. Hi, my name is Jacques. Don't forget, because you'll be screaming it later tonight.
17. Excuse me, but could you give me directions? To where? Your heart..
18. f*** me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
19. Come over here and sit on my lap-we can talk about the first thing that pops up.
20. Excuse me, mame, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?
21. The voices in my head say you should go out with me....
22. Hey, is it hot in here, or is it just you?
23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you and I together.
24. (Gesture for person to come over) I just made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with the rest of my body.
25. Person A: I'm sorry, were you talking to me? Person B: No
Person A: Well then, please start.
26. If I follow you home, will you keep me?
27. Have you ever been licked until tears rolled from your eyes?
28. Pardon me, but may I attempt to seduce you?
29. Lick finger, and rub it on the clothing of the person, then rub it on yours. Just a light touch will do. "So, what do you say we get out of these wet clothes..."
30. (hold up first two fingers on one hand) Know why you should use these two fingers to masturbate? No, why? Because they're mine.
31. A:*walks up to B and gently pulls up their collar and looks at the tag in their shirt* *a humph and long pause, then A walks away* B: What the hell? What was
that? etc...
A: Oh... I was just checking to see if it said "Made in Heaven."
32. I've got the ship, you've got the harbor...what say we tie up for the night?
33. A: Did it hurt? B: What ?!?!?!?!? A: When you fell from the sky as an angel.
Superman wakes up one day and realizes that he has done everything he could done in metropolis and he was totally bored. He flies
away in search of something to do. Pretty soon he comes across Batman swinging across a few skyscrapers. Superman yells down, "Hey
Batman, got anything I can help you with?" Batman shouts back up, "No, Superman. I've got everything under control." Superman
continues onward. Eventually he flies over the ocean and looks down at Aquaman. Superman yells, "Hey Aquaman, gimme something to
do!" Aquaman looks up and yells back, "sorry Superman, there's nothing for you to do here."
Superman by this point is totally exasperated. He starts to fly back to Metropolis when he all of a sudden sees Wonder Woman lying
nude on the beach. "Yes!" thinks Superman. "If I zoom down and do her really quick like only I can do, she'll never know what hit her!"
Superman swoops out of the sky, does his thing in about 5 seconds flat, and flies away before he gets caught. Wonder Woman opens
her eyes with a shock and says in surprise, "what was that all about?" Then the Invisible Man rolls off of her and says, "I don't know,
but my arse is killing me."
Tasmanian Marriage
A Tasmanian man and his new bride were on their honeymoon. The husband jumps into bed to wait for his wife to get herself ready. The
wife comes out of the bathroom in a sexy negligee and says, "Honey, I have something to tell you. I'm a virgin. "The man grabs his
clothes and rushes out of the house yelling at the top of his lungs. He heads straight to his fathers house. When he gets there his father
says,"Son, what are you doing here? You're supposed to be on your honeymoon." The son says,"Pa, my new wife told me a big secret of
hers. She's a virgin." "Damn son. You did the right thing by leaving.... If she wasn't good enough for her own family, she sure as hell
aint good enough for ours."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Canadian Jokes (written by my friend who unfortunatly is american)
Just so you know I am not anti French in fact I am in the french immersion program!
An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (Newfoundlander). He went to a neurosurgeon and asked "Is there
anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?". "Sure, it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon.
"All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie." The Ontarian was very pleased, and
immediately underwent the operation. However, the surgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting out 1/3 of
the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and
waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anesthetic. As soon as the patient
was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of
cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain." The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous
avez dit, monsieur?"
----
6 years ago Prime minister Brian Mulroney called George Bush and he asked him: "Why the hell did you take
Dan Quayle as vice-president?" George says: "He passed the intelligence test" What was that test? "I asked
him: If your mother has a baby and it's not your brother and not your sister, who is it?"And Dan answered:"
It's me" So I hired him.
Good idea says Brian I'll try that on my finance minister: So he asks Joe Clark the same question. Joe says :
"well can I give you an anser in a day or two?" "No prob"
Joe is completely in the dark so he asks Jean Charest the same question. Jean aswers :"It'sd me of coure".
Happy Joe goes back to Brian and says: "I've got the answer to your question: if my mother has a baby who is
neither my brother or my sister, it's Jean Charest". Shaking his head Brian says: "Your such a dork; it's Dan
Quayle you idiot"
---
A family moved from Newfoundland to Alberta. Johnnie started school at the new location. Grade 3. One day
the teacher asked individual students to count to 50. Many of them did very well, some getting as high as 37.
But Johnnie did extremely well; he made it to 100 with only 3 mistakes. At home he told his Dad how well he
had done. Dad told him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland, son". Next day, in "language", the
teacher asked students to recite the alphabet. Some made it to the letter "k" with only one mistake, but Johnnie
outdid them again. He made it all the way through, missing only the letter "m". That evening he once again
brought his Dad up to date and Dad explained to him, "That's because you are from Newfoundland". Next day,
after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnnie noted that, compared to the other boys in his
grade, he seemed overly "well - endowed". This confused him. He told his Dad, that night, "Dad, they all have
little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Newfoundland?" "No, son,
"explained Dad, "That's because you're 18!"
---
Pick-Up Lines
Excuse me is that a space suit you're wearing, because your ass is out of this world.
1. Do you believe in love at first sight?...Or do I have to walk by again
2. Do you sleep on your stomach?...no?....Can I ?
3. Is that a mirror in your pocket? Cuz I can easily see myself in your pants.
4. Tomorrow morning, do you want me to call you or nudge you?
5. Your parents must be baker's cuz they sure put out a great set of buns.
6. Your parents must be thieves' cuz someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
7. Do you have a quarter? Cuz I promised I would call my mother as soon as I fell in love.
8. Do you have some Australian in you? Would you like a little Italian in you?
9. Pardon me, I seem to have lost my phone number, can I borrow yours?
10. Would you like to go home for a pizza and some sex?....*slap*...what? you don't like pizza?
11. Your legs must be tired cuz you've been running through my mind all night.
12. That shirt is very becoming on you, of course if I were that shirt I would be cumming on you too.
13. If I told you I liked your body would you hold it against me?
14. Pez?
15. I heard milk was good for your body, but damn-you must drink gallons at a time.
16. Hi, my name is Jacques. Don't forget, because you'll be screaming it later tonight.
17. Excuse me, but could you give me directions? To where? Your heart..
18. f*** me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?
19. Come over here and sit on my lap-we can talk about the first thing that pops up.
20. Excuse me, mame, is that dress felt? Would you like it to be?
21. The voices in my head say you should go out with me....
22. Hey, is it hot in here, or is it just you?
23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put you and I together.
24. (Gesture for person to come over) I just made you come with one finger, imagine what I could do with the rest of my body.
25. Person A: I'm sorry, were you talking to me? Person B: No
Person A: Well then, please start.
26. If I follow you home, will you keep me?
27. Have you ever been licked until tears rolled from your eyes?
28. Pardon me, but may I attempt to seduce you?
29. Lick finger, and rub it on the clothing of the person, then rub it on yours. Just a light touch will do. "So, what do you say we get out of these wet clothes..."
30. (hold up first two fingers on one hand) Know why you should use these two fingers to masturbate? No, why? Because they're mine.
31. A:*walks up to B and gently pulls up their collar and looks at the tag in their shirt* *a humph and long pause, then A walks away* B: What the hell? What was
that? etc...
A: Oh... I was just checking to see if it said "Made in Heaven."
32. I've got the ship, you've got the harbor...what say we tie up for the night?
33. A: Did it hurt? B: What ?!?!?!?!? A: When you fell from the sky as an angel.
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
-
MikaMeow
- <Insert Title here>
- Posts: 339
- Joined: Mon Nov 03, 2003 5:48 pm
- Location: BC, Canada eh!
- Contact:
Bumper stickers from across the country
_____
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A flashlight is a case for storing dead batteries.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Few women admit their age. Fewer men act theirs.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
Earth first...we'll strip mine the other planets later.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Hang up and drive.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
____________________________________________________
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
5. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
6. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
7. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
8. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
9. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
10. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
11. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
12. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
13. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see him again; it was probably worth it.
15. If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
16. Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
17. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
18. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
19. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
20. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
21. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
22. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
23. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
24. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
25. Don't squat with your spurs on.
26. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
27. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
28. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
29. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
30. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
31. Duct tape is like THE FORCE, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
32. Telling a man to go to hell & making him do it are entirely different propositions.
33. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell and have him be happy to be on his way.
34. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
35. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
36. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
37. Never ask a man the size of his spread. (Or anything else for that matter!)
38. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
39. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
40. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
41. Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.
42. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
43. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
44. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
____________________________________________________
1) Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2) The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist/genius.
3) I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
6) I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
7) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant.
9) I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10) Ahhh...I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again...
11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12) It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
14) No, my powers can only be used for good.
15) How about never? Is never good for you?
16) I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
17) You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
18) I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
19) I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
20) I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
21) Who me? I just wander from room to room.
22) My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
23) It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
24) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
25) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
26) I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
27) Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
____________________________________________________
A man married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm
still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if
you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great
it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three
years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but
he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never
sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God, I miss him!
..But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?"
"Duh; because you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
______________________________________________________
One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad!
Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most
beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with
you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She's a wonderful
wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I
used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your
half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started
dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly
announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke
the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully
sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the
news.
"Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married,"
he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my
half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he
says, dear. He's not really your father."
______________________________________________________
HEHE NOT BAD:
A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman
came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over
the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish
whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish
whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back,
who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a
glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was
Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the
Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the
bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's
Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus
a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched
him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the
strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the
door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are
healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his
head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and
exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability.
_________________________________________________
GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
getting many. Then, he discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up
the road with a hand-painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The
officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS"
and a bucket full of change.
~~~~
BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the
police department a picture of $40. The police responded with a mailed
photo----------of handcuffs.
~~~~
BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you
are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied,
"Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence
while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book,
got back on his motorcycle and left. She sat there for several minutes,
laughing... too hard to start her car.
_____________________________________________________
Dear Son:
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't
live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper
that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas
family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they
wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not
sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and
pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that
coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too
heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put
them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your
sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so
I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like
your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried
to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him
cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch
was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other
two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get
the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the
normal has happened. I was going to send you $100 but I sealed the
envelope before I remembered to put the money in.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
________________________________________________________
Cat cleaning
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and
close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that
he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the
edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can
find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a
"power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite
effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that
there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly
lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run
outside where he will dry himself.
_____
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A flashlight is a case for storing dead batteries.
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
Few women admit their age. Fewer men act theirs.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
So you're a feminist...Isn't that cute!
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
Horn broken, watch for finger.
The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
Earth first...we'll strip mine the other planets later.
If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
Keep honking, I'm reloading.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
Hang up and drive.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep
God must love stupid people, he made so many.
Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal !
A dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't.
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
____________________________________________________
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
5. Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any.
6. We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.
7. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
8. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
9. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
10. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
11. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
12. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
13. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything.
14. If you lend someone $20 and never see him again; it was probably worth it.
15. If you haven't much education you must use your brain.
16. Never mess up an apology with an excuse.
17. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
18. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
19. I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
20. Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
21. If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
22. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
23. Don't worry, it only seems kinky the first time.
24. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
25. Don't squat with your spurs on.
26. Never ask a barber if he thinks you need a haircut.
27. Good judgment comes from bad experience and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
28. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
29. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
30. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
31. Duct tape is like THE FORCE, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.
32. Telling a man to go to hell & making him do it are entirely different propositions.
33. Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell and have him be happy to be on his way.
34. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.
35. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
36. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
37. Never ask a man the size of his spread. (Or anything else for that matter!)
38. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
39. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your mouth is moving.
40. Anything worth taking seriously is worth making fun of.
41. Diplomacy is the art of saying "good doggie" while looking for a bigger stick.
42. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
43. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
44. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
____________________________________________________
1) Thank you. We’re all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
2) The fact that no one understands you doesn’t mean you’re an artist/genius.
3) I don’t know what your problem is, but I’ll bet it’s hard to pronounce.
4) Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
5) I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don’t give a damn.
6) I like you. You remind me of me when I was young and stupid.
7) What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
I’m not being rude. You’re just insignificant. 9) I’m already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
10) Ahhh...I see the f***-up fairy has visited us again...
11) I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12) It’s a thankless job, but I’ve got a lot of Karma to burn off.
13) Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
14) No, my powers can only be used for good.
15) How about never? Is never good for you?
16) I’m really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
17) You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
18) I’ll try being nicer if you’ll try being smarter.
19) I’m out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...
20) I don’t work here. I’m a consultant.
21) Who me? I just wander from room to room.
22) My toys! My toys! I can’t do this job without my toys!
23) It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite busy.
24) At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
25) You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
26) I see you’ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
27) Someday, we’ll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
____________________________________________________
A man married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm
still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if
you've been married ten times?"
"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great
it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was
supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out
diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he
didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three
years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but
he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never
sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God, I miss him!
..But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?"
"Duh; because you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
______________________________________________________
One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad!
Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most
beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.
After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with
you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years.. She's a wonderful
wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I
used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your
half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."
William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started
dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly
announced, "Dianne said yes! We're getting married in June."
Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke
the sad news. "Dianne is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully
sorry about this."
William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the
news.
"Dad has done so much harm.. I guess I'm never going to get married,"
he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my
half-sister."
His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he
says, dear. He's not really your father."
______________________________________________________
HEHE NOT BAD:
A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman
came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over
the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish
whiskey.
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?"
The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish
whiskey, too.
The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back,
who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a
glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was
Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the
Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.
The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the
bar and hollered, "Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's
Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus
a cold one, too.
As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched
him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the
strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the
door.
Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness, you are
healed!" The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his
head and did a flip out the door. Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and
exclaimed, "Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability.
_________________________________________________
GOOD:
A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't
getting many. Then, he discovered the problem-a 10-year old boy was standing up
the road with a hand-painted sign which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The
officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS"
and a bucket full of change.
~~~~
BETTER:
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the
police department a picture of $40. The police responded with a mailed
photo----------of handcuffs.
~~~~
BEST:
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the motorcycle officer
walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you
are going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolmen's Ball." He replied,
"Highway patrolmen don't have balls." There was a moment of silence
while she smiled, and he realized what he'd just said. He then closed his book,
got back on his motorcycle and left. She sat there for several minutes,
laughing... too hard to start her car.
_____________________________________________________
Dear Son:
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't
live where we did when you left home. Your Dad read in the newspaper
that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Arkansas
family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they
wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not
sure it works so well, though. Last week I put a load of clothes in and
pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week; the
first time for three days and the second time for four days. About that
coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too
heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put
them in the pockets.
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried
because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. Your
sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so
I don't know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like
your brother.
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried
to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him
cremated, he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch
was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other
two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get
the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the
normal has happened. I was going to send you $100 but I sealed the
envelope before I remembered to put the money in.
Your Favorite Aunt,
Mom
________________________________________________________
Cat cleaning
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water.
3. Obtain the cat and carry him to the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and
close both lids (you may need to stand on the lid so that
he cannot escape).
CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the
edge, as his paws will be reaching out for anything he can
find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a
"power wash and rinse" which I have found to be quite
effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that
there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly
lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run
outside where he will dry himself.
The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.
