Chuck Norris Facts.

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Keavy
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Chuck Norris Facts.

Post by Keavy »

Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills people.

There is no theory of evolution; just animals Chuck Norris allows to live.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

The Cheif Export of Chuck Norris is pain.

The leading causes of death in the United States are: Heart Disease, Chuck Norris, and Cancer.

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting...Chuck Norris goes killing.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Outer Space exists because its afraid to be on the same planet as Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming that "Law and Order" are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity. Twice.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a Royal Flush.

There is no such thing as global warming. Chuck Norris was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Chuck Norris doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie down.

The Great Wall of China was originally created to keep Chuck Norris out. It failed miserably.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes, ever.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris' fist.

Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken's famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.

CNN was originally created as the "Chuck Norris Network" to update Americans with on-the-spot ass kicking in real-time.

Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

What was going through the minds of all of Chuck Norris' victims before they died? His shoe.

Chuck Norris doesn't churn butter. He roundhouse kicks the cows and the butter comes straight out.

A Handicapped parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Someone once videotaped Chuck Norris getting pissed off. It was called Walker: Texas Chain Saw Masacre.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is based on a true story: Chuck Norris once swallowed a turtle whole, and when he crapped it out, the turtle was six feet tall and had learned karate.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell "What The Hell was That?"

Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Chuck Norris.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

There are no steroids in baseball. Just players Chuck Norris has breathed on.

Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it.

There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.

Chuck Norris doesn't actually write books, the words assemble themselves out of fear.

Chuck Norris CAN believe it's not butter.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Nobody doesn't like Sara Lee. Except Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.

Chuck Norris can drink an entire gallon of milk in thirty-seven seconds.

Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its decendents now have white hair.

Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's over-population. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

Superman once watched an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger. He then cried himself to sleep.

Chuck Norris does not "style" his hair. It lays perfectly in place out of sheer terror.

Chuck Norris did in fact, build Rome in a day.

As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris is the only person in the world that can actually email a roundhouse kick.

If at first you don't succeed, you're not Chuck Norris.

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris, he finds you.

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.

It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.

Chuck Norris can judge a book by its cover.

As President Roosevelt said: "We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris."

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Crime does not pay - unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

Chuck Norris invented the internet… just so he had a place to store his porn.

Chuck Norris does not own a house. He walks into random houses and people move.

"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.

When God said, "let there be light", Chuck Norris said, "say 'please'."

Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

One day Chuck Norris walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as Giraffes.

Chuck Norris once went skydiving, but promised never to do it again. One Grand Canyon is enough.

In a fight between Batman and Darth Vader, the winner would be Chuck Norris.

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.

The phrase 'break a leg' was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

The phrase 'dead ringer' refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.

Chuck Norris can blow bubbles with beef jerky.

When Chuck Norris works out on the Total Gym, the Total Gym feels like it's been raped.

Chuck Norris' first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.

Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.

Chuck Norris eats steak for every single meal. Most times he forgets to kill the cow.

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.

Chuck Norris once ordered a steak in a restaurant. The steak did what it was told.

Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.

We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

Not everyone that Chuck Norris is mad at gets killed. Some get away. They are called astronauts.

Godzilla is a Japanese rendition of Chuck Norris' first visit to Tokyo.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem-- It wouldn't take sh*t from anybody.

After taking a steroids test doctors informed Chuck Norris that he had tested positive. He laughed upon receiving this information, and said "of course my urine tested positive, what do you think they make steroids from?"

Chuck Norris doesn't daydream. He's too busy giving other people nightmares.

When Arnold says the line "I'll be back" in the first Terminator movie it is implied that is he going to ask Chuck Norris for help.

Chuck Norris once lost the remote, but maintained control of the TV by yelling at it.

Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn't nearly foolish enough to attack him.

Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.

There is no such thing as a lesbian, just a woman who has never met Chuck Norris.

Love does not hurt. Chuck Norris does.

Chuck Norris once round-house kicked a salesman. Over the phone.

Those aren't credits that roll after Walker Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

Chuck Norris does not wear a condom because there is no such thing as protection from Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris did not "lose" his virginity, he stalked it and then destroyed it with extreme prejudice.

Everything King Midas touches turnes to gold. Everything Chuck Norris touches turns up dead.

Chuck Norris' pulse is measured on the richter scale.

Chuck Norris CAN in fact 'raise the roof'. And he can do it with one hand.

Kenny G is allowed to live because Chuck Norris doesn't kill women.

Whoever said "only the good die young" was probably in Chuck Norris's kindergarten class.

People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris...Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.

Before sliced bread, people used to say "Thats the greatest thing since Chuck Norris". But Chuck Norris was displeased by this. So he roundhouse kicked a loaf of bread into slices.

Chuck Norris is so bad he makes viruses sick. As such, Chuck Norris is also responsible for the eradication of smallpox.

There are four legal methods of execution in the United States: lethal injection, gas chamber, electric chair and Chuck Norris.

Earth's emergency defence plan in case of alien invasion is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is '' The best a man can get ''

Scientists believe the world began with the "Big Bang". Chuck Norris shrugs it off as a "bad case of gas".

Chuck Norris eats eight meals a day. Seven are steak, and the last is the rest of the cow.

Chuck Norris does know what Willis is talking about!

When Chuck Norris is ready to wake up, he tells the sun to get the above the horizon.

Chuck Norris can cook minute rice in 30 seconds.

Chuck Norris can have his cake AND eat it too.

Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his bare hands.

Chuck Norris can kick start a car.

Chuck Norris doesn't breathe, he holds air hostage.

When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is scared to come back.

Objects in Chuck Norris' rear-view mirror appear at their correct distances.

Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Men are okay with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse...Horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can bring a woman to orgasm by pointing at her and saying "Boo-Ya!"

Upon seeing this list Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked it and added ten facts to it instantaneously. Including this one!
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Kopopo
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Post by Kopopo »

In 500 years we will be able to see pure energy under a microscope. We will find that it is tiny Chuck Norrises doing endless roundhouse kicks. At that point, Chuck will rise from his grave and stretch casually saying, "I canoot be created or destroyed."
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Pheonixhawk
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Post by Pheonixhawk »

lmao! Its true. Its all true. :rofl:
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Post by Stockyboy »

Kinda old though ^^;
Mr. T pitties the fool, Chuck Norris rips the fool's head off, I /poke the fool.
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Post by Sugami »

Too much to read :shock: funny thought :lol:
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Post by angeladark »

If one were to shave off Chuck Norris's beard, they would find another fist.
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Post by Eviticus »

If one even tried to shave off his beard, they'd find their own head replaced by his fist...
In the end, I'm just talking out of my ass. So take it all with a grain of salt.
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Post by Undine »

Chuck Norris is really a goblin wearing a human disguise.

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Makes you think doesn't it
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